Across the Burger Spectrum

Before getting to the good stuff, I'm going to tell you about a bad burger I ate recently. In my zeal to try all the burgers in Midtown East, I had my first really awful burger from a Greek diner called Townhouse-something-or-other in the East 30's (I really don't even care about this place enough to look up the real name).

Seeing that the only two options for cheese were cheddar or feta should have been my first red flag, but I rolled with it and decided for feta. It was a Greek diner so it seemed right (and I've never liked cheddar on burgers). When the burger arrived at my apartment in little over 30 minutes, I immediately noticed the soggy, grease flavored fries and all around sad appearance.

The burger itself was an overly charred, preformed patty with a melted spitball of feta placed between the limp bun and soggy, browning lettuce and tomatoes. Yet, having spent twelve bucks, this was my dinner whether I liked it or not. I picked off the rabbit food and went for the burger. All I tasted was charred beef and salty feta... maybe not the worst burger but absolutely not something I would spend money on again.

I got through about three quarters of the burger before deciding I'd had enough. I started to feel slightly sick to my stomach almost immediately (although it could have been psychosomatic). A fruit cup also came with the burger and I stupidly figured it would be palatable (and healthy). I had four pieces of bland, wet fruit before seeing a crushed mosquito chilling on a grape. A second wave of disgust hit me, and my stomach felt even worse. At this point, I was determined to not let this burger pass through my system, so I decided to do the unthinkable.

I've never actually "made" myself throw up. Admittedly while lying in bed, curled up a fetal position and clutching my stomach after a long night of drinking-- I've given up the struggle and dragged myself into the bathroom. But sticking-fingers-into-throat to make myself throw up-- never.

Hell, I'm an adventurous guy who is willing to try new things, so I might as well make the attempt. A few tentative pokes activated my gag reflex, but nothing happened besides some weak spit. Now I was pissed. If a college Freshman girl can do this, surely I can make it happen? I jammed two fingers into the back of my throat, sending a shock of pain down to my Adam's apple, but now all that came out was acidic stomach juice. I tried in vain a few more times, but my stomach only got angrier and  my throat throbbed harder. I finally gave up, collapsing onto my couch with an overwhelming feeling of failure.

So now that I've disgusted everyone with my tale of burger and personal failure (and if you're still reading), let me describe a far better burger experience last week on a return trip to The Breslin. My first meal was a letdown, but I had not tried the burger, one of the most popular options on the menu.

I Am the Mayor of Midtown East Burgers!

Through sheer coincidence, recently I've happened to eat a lot of burgers near my apartment in Midtown East. After this week's samplings, I've eaten most every burger in my quaint neighborhood, so I figured that gives me some kind of expertise (in theory). I won't talk about every burger, since some are not worth discussing, but here's a small sampling.

Photo Courtesy of Digiart2001

"For The Cheap, Fat Bastard"
Blarney Stone is a total dive, but has a humongous, dirt cheap burger and is a Midtown Lunch favorite. Places like the Blarney Stone are too rare in NY these days (just watch for mice running around on the floors after-hours). The burger is a monster, and $6 with onion rings, fries or a salad (add 25 cents for cheese).

Blarney Stone cheeseburger.

It's cooked close to medium by default, which is fine with me (due to the obvious hygienic issues I've mentioned). But the burger is good enough that I don't really care, as are the other items on a menu full of American classics. They also have a wide selection of cheap beers so you can get sloshed with the regulars at all hours of the day. When I last ate here, I added dijon mustard and homemade salted chiles for an awesome lunch.

"Guaranteed Food Coma"
Five Guys on 3rd Avenue is probably not going to win the award for best location in the fast-growing franchise, but it does serve it's purpose for greasy, fast food. The burger itself tastes like a done-up Wendy's cheeseburger, but with thicker patties. They come tightly wrapped, so tight in fact that upon opening the foil, the burger is usually a condensed ball with all of your free toppings mashed together. My order of choice is the double cheeseburger (or regular) with bacon, mustard, grilled onions and mushrooms and jalapenos (fresh, not pickled for some reason). Just unhinge your jaw, make sucking noises and eat.

Casual Stereotyping at Lan Sheng, or Can a White Guy Get Some Real Szechuan Food?

In just the past couple months, Manhattan’s Szechuan options have exploded with a string of new restaurants specializing in this increasingly popular cuisine opening lately (there are also many cast-offs from the dying Wu Liang Ye chain). I decided to check out Lan Sheng, which debuted late last year, just down the street from the two-starred Szechuan Gourmet (what’s the Chinese word for chutzpah?)


Photo from Joe DiStefano, Serious Eats.